


beguiling.

by imtheaprilfool



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Eating Disorders, F/F, Possibly Unrequited Love, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, don’t forget your tissues, full angst sorry, maybe a teensy little bit of comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:46:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22112059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imtheaprilfool/pseuds/imtheaprilfool
Summary: the rain falls for youthe same way i do:unapologetically,over and over.
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Kim Jisoo, Lalisa Manoban | Lisa/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic ever i hope you guys enjoy it! the only reason im even writing this is because of sad emo hours but oh well.

it all started with an oversized shirt.

it wasn’t that jisoo minded wearing them, hell, she loved oversized shirts. 

what bothered her was the fact that she was the only person who had to wear one. all her other members were showing off their toned bodies with a crop top like chaeyoung or a tube top like jennie and lisa. but her? a shirt that was two sizes bigger and with jeans to go along - not even shorts, and it was scorching hot in korea at that time of year.

jisoo hadn’t believed it at first. her stylist had sheepishly gestured at her outfit for their reality show. “it’s only for these few episodes. you’ve gained quite some weight over the past few months since comeback season is over, and it wouldn’t be very good if fans notice.”

her mouth went dry. it’s not like she could refuse. she begrudgingly picked up the shirt her stylist had picked out for her and pursed her lips. “um, okay, i understand. thanks, unnie." she knew her stylist was only doing it for her own good, that she hadn’t meant to put her down. but still, it hurt her.

when she walked out of the changing room, chaeyoung and lisa didn’t even spare jisoo a glance and waved her into their circle. jennie, however, raised an eyebrow at her. “jisoo-ah, it’s summer, you know. why are you dressed like that? are you feeling sick?” the younger’s eyebrows furrowed in concern.

jisoo tried to smile, but it probably turned out more like a grimace. “yeah, i don’t know, i’ve been feeling kind of chilly ever since i woke up this morning. don’t worry, i should be fine.”

she knew jennie wasn’t exactly convinced, but she was grateful that she dropped the topic, anyway. 

that episode, they had gone out to eat tteokbokki and jjajangmyeon for lunch. she still ordered a similar meal to everyone else’s so as to avoid suspicion from her members and her fans, but when her plate arrived, she regretted it. her stylist’s words rang again in her head, like a cold and harsh reminder.

you’ve gained quite some weight. 

jisoo tried her best to eat as little as possible while still making sure she eats enough so as not to make the members wary, all while feeling sick to the stomach. every single calorie she had gained from the meal felt like torture. stop eating that, you’re already so fat.

she couldn’t push the voice away.

once the group arrived back at their dorm, jisoo quickly excused herself to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, disgusted with herself.

every part of her body was ugly. her chubby cheeks, her flabby arms, her squishy belly. not to mention her outstandingly fat thighs. tears blurred her vision and she slapped herself. no, you’re not fat, jisoo. your members just naturally have a skinny figure. you’re healthy. 

no matter how much she tried to convince herself, she still didn’t believe it. her members would always have a better figure, be better dancers and singers.

she was nothing. just a pretty face, isn’t she? that’s what all the netizens say, what’s the point of having a pretty face without a good body to match with it?

she pinched her thigh hard, as if that would make the fat on it disappear, her tears falling onto the marks that revealed themselves after her nipping.

a knock on the door instantly snapped her out of her thoughts.

“jisoo-unnie?”

jennie.

“uh, yeah?”

“are you okay? you looked kind of sick at lunch just now. tell me if you need any help, okay?”

her heart twinged. jennie was being kind, as usual.

“yeah, i’m fine. i’m just taking a shower.”

“m’kay.”

it was just because of one oversized shirt.

but it wasn’t the same after that day.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my chapters are gonna be kinda short oops so there’ll be a shit ton of them

jisoo's nights were absolutely torturous.

the days usually went by in a blur - she would be too swarmed with schedules and photoshoots that she rarely had time to be left alone with her thoughts.

but, no matter how tired she was, she would never have any trouble going over every single interaction she had in the previous day in bed, with only the ticking of the clock in her room and chaeyoung’s light snoring to accompany her. she didn’t want to, but there was just a part of her that stubbornly refused to fall asleep, stubbornly refused to accept the fact that she was being irrational about every negative thought she had about herself.

yes, jisoo was fat. she could feel the cellulite on her legs jiggle whenever she ran, and it disgusted her. her belly was soft, her cheeks were chubby, her thighs were fat - the complete opposite of her other members. she couldn’t remember when she started pinching her thighs at night in an effort to get rid of her thoughts while at the same time solidifying it, but in a sick, twisted way, she enjoyed the pain she inflicted upon herself. 

however, she’d quickly regret it the next morning, because she was an idol. an idol that had to wear shorts and skirts every few days. so she spent just over an hour in the bathroom every morning before her members woke up to thoroughly apply a thick shade of concealer to the inside of her thighs after a shower. sometimes she’d do it to her arms, as well, but marks on her arms wouldn’t be very obvious, so she didn’t bother hiding them.

she never wanted to be like this. she never envisioned her future to be a dark and gloomy one, full of self-deprecating thoughts and way, way too much overthinking. with every day that passed, she felt herself spiraling deeper down into an abyss, surrounded by the overwhelmingly loud noise of her thoughts. she couldn’t describe the feeling, couldn’t pinpoint when it first began. at first she thought she’d get used to it and eventually become numb to the wave of emotions that would constantly crash onto her on the inside, but portray itself as detached and apathetic on the outside. but it had been weeks and she hated herself to the core.

why couldn’t she be optimistic and bright like lisa? why couldn’t she be cool and understanding like chaeyoung? why couldn’t she be pretty like jennie, kind like jennie, compassionate like jennie, brave like jennie and talented like jennie?

it was hard to hate her members. she despised the fact that no one would remember jisoo, that when the name ‘blackpink’ was mentioned everyone would either mention lisa, rosé or jennie. never jisoo, because she was just the visual. not even a very astoundingly beautiful or unique one. she was the member that was awkward at dancing, had no astonishing vocal talent and dumb for not being able to speak english as well as the others. she tried, she tried as best as she could not to let it bother her, but when the number of times she got pushed by fans so they could take pictures of the other members got too many, she got sick and tired of it. 

what would life be like if she hadn’t joined yg? 

maybe she would be an actress. knetz didn’t bash actors and actresses as much as idols. she’d probably be pretty successful, too. not to mention that she wouldn’t have to spend as much time away from her sister and brother and parents. 

now, in the darkness of her room, a tear escaped her eye and the abyss swallowed her whole. she couldn’t breathe - the amount of emotions hitting her all at once was too much for her to handle.

a single, coherent thought formed in her head. 

she wouldn’t mind if she died right now.


	3. Chapter 3

jisoo awoke the next morning with a sharp headache.

“unnie, we both overslept by nearly an ho - holy shit, are you okay?”

she frowned at chaeyoung. “huh?” the light spilling into their room momentarily blinded her.

“your eyes, they… they’re really, red,” the younger meekly pointed out, worry filling her eyes. “did you cry last night?”

jisoo rolled her eyes, too tired to bother denying it. “no, a bee stung me - yes, i cried.”

chaeyoung recoiled slightly, bemusement flashing across her face. “um, do you want to…”

the older sighed. “no, i don’t want to talk about it.” that came out harsher than she meant to, as evident by the hurt flickering in chaeyoung’s eyes, so she pursed her lips. “sorry, i’m just - not in the mood. it’s not you.”

thankfully, the australian pursed her lips and nodded in understanding. 

“and, uh...don’t tell the others, please.”

she hesitated, but nodded another time. “okay, unnie.”

it was times like these that jisoo really appreciated chaeyoung. unlike jennie and lisa, she was sensible enough not to press an issue.

jisoo quickly splashed her face with water and took a long look at herself in the mirror. 

chaeyoung was right - her eyes were way too swollen for her not to have cried, which meant that jennie and lisa would notice, too, which was something she definitely did not want to happen. exasperated at herself, she quickly came up with a few excuses to cover for herself and left the bathroom.

once she reached the living room, however, jennie and lisa didn’t even spare her a glance. their eyes were glued to their phones, and jisoo could tell whenever chaeyoung stole a few concerned glances at her. it wasn’t  
an enjoyable breakfast in jisoo’s book, but it wasn’t the worst that could happen. she endured through it by keeping silent and avoiding as much food as possible. fortunately, none of the members noticed.

after breakfast, the group immediately proceeded to the Radio Star building for their radio appearance in conjunction with their promotions for the new comeback, but jisoo felt as if there was a layer of haze separating her from the rest of the world, still registering outside stimuli but unable to respond back. she still tried her best to sound like herself when answering the interviewer's questions, but she could tell the interviewer had gotten bored of her and moved on to more interesting and insightful answers that were given by jennie, chaeyoung and lisa. it was so obvious, so painfully obvious that she couldn't even be bothered to feel hurt. 

it was just barely after noon when jennie worriedly asked, "jisoo-unnie, are you feeling okay? you look kind of tired - your eyes are really red. did you not get enough sleep last night?"

jisoo tried to smile, but it must have come off more like a grimace as evident by jennie's even more concerned gaze. "i'm fine, jendeukie, don't worry. it's just - i'm not really used to the comeback schedule yet. i mean, it's been so long that i forgot how hectic promoting was. it's nothing much."

the younger frowned. "just remember that you can come to me for anything, okay?"

jisoo nodded, inwardly berating herself when her stomach did a flip. she shouldn't be feeling like this, not when she hated the absolute living guts out of herself. it was funny, really - she wouldn't spare herself a second thought about her wellbeing, but when it came to jennie, she would drop everything and anything for the younger. 

it was wrong. it was so, horribly wrong, but she couldn't help it. 

jennie smiled at her and it made jisoo's heart flutter even more. 

it all came crashing down when their schedule for the day finally ended. the amount of physical and mental exhaustion had finally settled into jisoo's bones and she suddenly had an extremely nauseatic feeling in her stomach, staggering into the dorm and nearly tripping flat onto her face.

the other members weren't any better - lisa had promptly fallen asleep once her head hit the couch, jennie had quickly retreated to her room and chaeyoung was knocked out on the bed.

jisoo was supposed to be asleep, too, but her thoughts, her thoughts that just wouldn't go away no matter what, stayed swimming in her mind and taunting her willpower, refusing to let the girl get any sort of rest. she just wanted it to end, wanted her to be as carefree and joyful as she was before this horrible feeling happened. it had been weeks, but it still hadn't gone away. that couldn't have been normal - jisoo was smart enough to know that she was most likely suffering from a mental illness, but she couldn't bring herself to admit it to herself. it made her feel even more awful, so she always dismissed it whenever the idea came to her mind. it made her feel weak and helpless, it irked her.

she was strong. she would be able to endure through this. she was kim jisoo.

no. kim jisoo wasn't special. she was nothing. blinks hated her, anyway. she was worthless, unlikeable, disgusting, talentless, fat, ugly, and most of all, no one remembered her. when someone mentioned blackpink, they'd think of the other three, because who was she, anyway? definitely not memorable.

she hated kim jisoo.


	4. Chapter 4

"unnie, can i ask you something?"

jisoo looked up at chaeyoung and tiredly said, "hm?"

she bit her lip and jisoo found her gaze lowering to her exposed thighs, and that was when she realised what chaeyoung was about to ask her. fuck. 

"were those marks always there?" 

jisoo's head started spinning. no, no, no. "uh, what marks?"

"you know what i'm talking about, unnie. did someone hurt you?"

"no, um, of course not, why...why would you ask that? i just fell down a few days ago and it wasn't really - nice. yeah." she did her best to maintain eye contact with the younger so as to convince her, because god help her if she didn't believe her.

"why didn't you get them bandaged? it looks really bad." her voice was more concerned than wary now, and jisoo let out a soft sigh of relief, the tension from her muscles ebbing away.

"i didn't really find the time, but it should be fine, it's just some bruises. not like there's blood, or anything." she tried to laugh it off, but chaeyoung wasn't going to let her off that easy by the way she raised her eyebrows.

"you sure? i can get some ointment for you, you know."

for some twisted reason, jisoo didn't want the marks to vanish. she wanted them to remain on her skin as a reminder of the pain, which was fucked up in so many ways that she felt like throwing up right there and then.

she was pretty sure chaeyoung would insist on it, so she reluctantly agreed.

as jisoo raised her leg for chaeyoung to apply ointment on the bruises, jennie and lisa walked in on them and made jisoo internally cringe. great, now everyone knew.

"unnie, are you okay?" lisa practically screeched, rushing over to her side. "chaeng, what happened?"

chaeyoung locked eyes with jisoo and it seemed like she understood her predicament. "unnie just fell down and got a few bruises, you don't have to worry."

"when did that happen?" jennie asked. jisoo felt her gaze boring into her and gulped.

"uh, some time yesterday, i think.”

“how?”

jisoo mumbled, “fell down.”

“really? those bruises look more like the skin was pinched.”

time stopped. she couldn’t breathe. the world started spinning.

no.

her head was underwater, the members’ voices turning into a muddled mess that she couldn’t register in her head. jisoo wanted nothing more than to disappear. 

“unnie!”

jisoo looked up blankly. jennie’s hazel eyes stared right back at her.

“can you hear me? you look so sick, oh my god.”

she smiled weakly, though it was just more of a stretching of her lips.

“yeah. it’s just a mild fever. i’m gonna go lie down for a while.”

“but the ointment - “

jisoo shook her head mutely and got back up to lie on her bed, turning her body away from the other members. she vaguely heard chaeyoung telling jennie and lisa to leave. the door closed lightly shut.

“unnie, something’s bothering you. you’ve been acting so unlike yourself these past few days. please tell me what happened, i’m begging you, i hate seeing you like this,” chaeyoung whimpered.

jisoo gritted her teeth.

a minute of tense silence passed.

“you’re not going to tell me anything?” chaeyoung said softly, her voice cracking.

jisoo’s throat tightened.

“i’m sorry. i hate seeing myself like this, too.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jisoo feels better!! for now at least

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this chapter kinda sucks cause i wrote it at 12am with a huge headache but im just gonna go ahead and post it anyways oops

jisoo woke up with a migraine at four in the morning the next day. chaeyoung was sound asleep below her when she carefully stepped down from the bunk bed to grab some water from the kitchen. god, she felt awful.

she wasn’t alone when she switched on the lights.

jennie was standing in the hallway, squinting at her.

“unnie?”

she froze, the events of yesterday playing in her head.

“um, hi.”

“couldn’t sleep?”

she swallowed. “mhm.” she ducked her head as she went to pour a glass of water for herself, acutely aware of the fact that jennie’s gaze was boring holes into her back.

after a few uncomfortable moments of silence, jennie croaked, “is it me?”

jisoo glanced up questioningly. “huh?”

“we used to be so close, jisoo-unnie. you’d tell me everything that bothered you without hesitating even for a second. what happened?” 

at that moment, in the blinding kitchen light, she finally saw just how pained jennie was. her eyes were red-rimmed, her cheeks tear-streaked and her lower lip trembling. she couldn’t meet the other’s gaze, either.

needles poked at jisoo’s throat. what was she even supposed to say? everything she was going through were only due to her insecurities being made into something that shouldn’t even matter so much. it’d cause too much difficulty and trouble to convey her feelings into words, so she merely settled for “i was just feeling a little down lately”.

jennie clenched her fists. she could tell she was trying to keep her cool. jisoo wasn’t exactly giving her an easy time. “you think i couldn’t tell? why, jisoo, why?”

when she didn’t reply, jennie let out a heavy sigh. “so, you don’t trust me anymore, do you? okay, i guess. i won’t force you to tell me whatever you’re going through right now, but just know that i’m really sad seeing you like that, too. i want to help. i really do.”

jisoo choked on a sob, the fingers around her glass shaking. “i’m sorry. i’m so, so sorry.”

their eyes finally met. all jisoo could see in jennie’s eyes was disappointment. it was too agonising to continue looking at her, so she broke her gaze to look at the ground, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“good night, unnie. i’ll see you tomorrow,” jennie mumbled, brushing past her to head back to her room, her voice devoid of emotion.

she messed up. she messed up so bad.

“no, wait.”

jennie stopped. “yeah?”

“please don’t leave,” jisoo breathed, placing her glass of water down on the counter. “please.”

she didn’t dare to face jennie as she walked back. she felt a touch on her arm.

“i’ll always be beside you, okay? no matter what happens, you’re always my priority,” jennie whispered.

she wrapped her in a hug.

jisoo started to weep into jennie’s shoulder, not able to keep her tears in any longer. it felt like the entire world aligned when they hugged. after the chaos of the past few months, jisoo had forgotten how reassuring it felt to be cared for. 

“i’m sorry,” jisoo sobbed, squeezing jennie tighter. “i don’t know how to put it into words. everything's just been such a mess lately, and i haven’t been in the best place mentally. it was just so agonising to go through everyday without knowing why i’m like this. please don’t hate me, i - i’m so, so sorry, i’m really - i’m really sorry, please - “

jennie pulled away with tears in her eyes, as well. “unnie, it’s okay not knowing how to express your feelings into words. you don’t have to constantly force yourself to pretend like everything’s okay. i know you’re not okay. i’m here for you, and so are chaeyoung and lisa and your parents and siblings. we all love you, jisoo-unnie. we want the best for you, so just saying what’s been bothering you will help you a lot.” she paused and tucked a stray strand of hair behind jisoo’s ear. her voice lowered. “thanks for trusting me enough to tell me this, unnie.”

jisoo shook her head. “i don’t even know what i’m telling you. i just want it to end. everyday is such a blur, i don’t feel or register anything anymore. my life’s just been so - worthless. miserable. everything i never wanted it to be.”

jennie pursed her lips and hugged jisoo again. “oh, unnie. i’m so sorry you had to go through all that without telling us. we weren’t exactly very good friends to you, either, and i understand if you don’t trust us as much anymore after what happened yesterday. i’m sorry we kept backing you into a corner like that, i’m sorry i was so heartless, i - “

“jennie-ah, it’s okay,” jisoo said, her face buried in jennie’s shoulder. “i know you guys were just worried, you all did nothing wrong. i was the one who kept stupidly running away because i was too scared of what you all would think of me. i’m sorry.”

“no, no, it’s not your fault. we were being too harsh, constantly questioning you like that. oh my god, i was so insensitive and you didn’t even show your anger like you deserved to.”

jisoo squeezed her hand. "okay, i was angry, but i forgive you now. i'm fine."

jennie sighed. "stop saying that you're fine, jisoo. you're not. and i'm going to help you through this, you hear me?"

warmth filled jisoo's chest and relief flooded into her like waves crashing into the shore.

"okay. i hear you."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update!!

jisoo half expected the next morning to be painfully awkward because, well, she did just spill her guts to jennie the night (or morning, technically) before. instead, jisoo was roused from sleep by jennie shaking her awake, eyes wide and panicked.

"oh god, we're going to be so late." 

"what?" jisoo said groggily, rubbing her eyes.

chaeyoung let out a yelp of panic from under her, a hard thump hitting the bottom of jisoo's bed as chaeyoung's head bumped into the top bunk. "shit, manager-unnie is gonna be so pissed!"

jisoo rolled over to look at the clock. 

11.46 am.

crap.

lisa burst into the room. "get up, idiots! i got, like, seventeen missed calls from manager-unnie, you better hurry and get ready!" 

"why didn't you wake us up earlier," jisoo whined, launching herself onto the ground and sprinting into the bathroom.

"it's not like i just woke up, or anything," jennie replied sarcastically, following right behind her. "move away, i need to brush my teeth, too." 

jisoo mockingly clutched at her chest. "don't be such a brute, i'm a sensitive and innocent soul."

jennie rolled her eyes. "are you gonna shower?"

"does it look like we have time?" jisoo snapped, hastily tying her hair into a messy bun as she started to violently brush her teeth. "manager-unnie's gonna kill me so bad."

"nah, she thinks you're cute, so she's gonna scold everyone but you," jennie said absently, as if she didn't just throw jisoo's entire world off-kilter by that one sentence that may or may not have implied that she found jisoo cute. well, it wasn't like jennie said that she'd found her cute, but still. 

jisoo scoffed. "of course, i'm obviously so adorable." her heart had no right pounding as hard as it was right now.

"yeah, good for you. manager-unnie will definitely pin all the blame on me," jennie said, spitting into the sink. 

"too bad you're not as cute as me."

jennie paused and raised an eyebrow at her. "oh?"

shit, that was hot.

jisoo spluttered but tried to cover it up by spitting into the sink. "yeah, obviously. i'm so much cuter than your ugly ass."

jennie didn't reply to that, just chuckled and started rinsing her mouth.

"what?" jisoo said, confused. "why are you smiling like that?"

"you've just been acting more like yourself today," jennie said, patting her head. "i'm glad."

distantly, jisoo wondered if she was going to bring up what happened a few hours ago, but it didn't seem like she was in any hurry to bring it up. the whole affair just left jisoo feeling distinctly off-balance. it had felt so relieving to tell jennie all that, but she had another, more dreadful feeling in the pit of her stomach that she couldn't put her finger on, like whatever thoughts were camping at the back of her mind weren't going to be resolved that easily. not just yet.

jisoo found herself smiling back at jennie, though, so that was a start.

after another five minutes of getting ready, the four of them finally rushed out into the lobby, making it just before twelve noon. their manager stood with arms crossed, glaring.

"i see the resident sleeping beauties have finally woken up," she drawled. "if you guys were any later, i would have had to physically drag all of you out your rooms."

"sorry, it was my fault," jennie said. "i set the alarm too quiet, so we couldn't wake up." it was a blatant lie, and she looked over to catch jisoo's eye. she grinned, so bright and beautiful, her gums showing, and jisoo had to fight so hard to hide a blush from creeping up her cheeks. it was way too late to stop liking jennie now.

putting on a shaky smile, jisoo apologised to their manager after chaeyoung and lisa. manager-unnie smiled softly at jisoo and ruffled her hair. "it's okay, you guys are here now, anyway."

jennie raised her eyebrows at jisoo, as if to say 'see, i knew she was soft on you'. jisoo stuck her tongue out at her, and found that she actually felt marginally lighter. before today, she couldn't remember the last time she acted playful around the members. 

lisa wrapped an arm around jisoo, seemingly forgotten everything about the events from the previous day. "oh, well, at least we got to rest more."

jisoo giggled. she missed feeling like this. "yeah, a few more hours of sleep doesn't hurt."

blackpink had a lot going on today. they had a plane to catch to Los Angeles and an interview and a concert later that night, but jisoo felt that she'd be able to handle it just fine. 

she sat next to jennie on the bus. it seemed as though everyone was in high spirits, and jisoo found that she missed this - missed feeling like everything was alright. she had spent so long curled up inside her own head that she forgot what it was like to exist separate from her own fears and insecurities, and it felt good. 

the day passed like that - busy and fast and exhausting - except that it didn't matter because jisoo was trying to keep ahold of the blooming feeling in her chest. she didn't want it to go away. she chased every happy moment and clung to the smiles on her members' faces. 

america was so different, and all the interviews were filled with an energy unlike korea's that jisoo found easy to match for the first time in a long while. she smiled and laughed more than she had in months. it seemed as if her good mood bolstered the energy of the rest of her members and everyone was eager to contribute. jisoo finally felt like the mood maker again, felt worthy of the 'happy virus' term the fans and her members had coined her position in the team, like she actually deserved to be a part of blackpink. that feeling was multiplied by tenfold whenever jennie caught her eye and smiled, because she finally felt like she wasn't on her own. she wanted to soar, because someone knew - jennie knew. she wasn't alone anymore, because there was someone who looked at her and told her that she didn't need to justify the way she felt.

jisoo didn't want this day to end.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :(

it wasn't until the evening that jisoo finally realised something.

jennie was anxious.

she was suddenly avoiding all her glances and kept crossing and uncrossing her legs when they were eating dinner. her face was pulled down into a slight frown and she was constantly looking to her phone, for some reason. 

jisoo's stomach coiled. she didn't have a good feeling about this.

"jennie, you okay?"

jennie seemed to be shaken out of her stupor as her head snapped up to meet jisoo's concerned gaze. "what? uh, yeah."

jisoo frowned. "is something wrong?"

she shook her head violently and smiled weakly. "nah, everything's good. i just spaced out for a while."

chaeyoung and lisa changed the subject of the conversation to how exciting america was and jisoo almost forgot about jennie's weird behaviour. almost. she still wasn't acting like herself and jisoo was afraid she messed something up without knowing.

for the rest of the dinner, jennie alternated between staring blankly at her meal and stealing looks at jisoo. it was a little strange and uncomfortable, but jisoo chose to ignore it pointedly and resort to eating her meal and engaging in conversation with chaeyoung and lisa. jennie would tell her whatever happened later, wouldn't she? 

jennie and jisoo were decided as roommates through a good old-fashioned game of rock, paper, scissors, and jisoo didn't know whether to be delighted or even more worried. when they checked into their room for the night, jennie finally approached her, closing the door behind her. 

"jisoo-unnie?" there was a hesitation in her voice that jisoo didn't like.

"hmm?"

"um, actually, i…"

she definitely didn't like it. 

dread swirled at the pit of her stomach.

"i invited jiyong-oppa over. he...wants to talk to you."

ah, there it was. 

jisoo froze. "what?"

jennie looked down, biting her lip. "i didn't want you to continue suffering like that, so i got help. i really don't want you to be sad, unnie."

a wave of realisation crashed over jisoo. "you told him what?" she shrieked. "why would you tell him something that i only wanted to tell you?" 

jennie's eyes widened in panic. "no, i just - i just wanted to get, like, a real adult's perspective on this, because i have no experience at all on this kind of, um, problem, i'm sorry, i just wanted you to be happy - "

she was looking at jisoo with those big, guileless eyes. she didn't know what she did wrong.

of course. 

jisoo laughed humorlessly, tears of betrayal pricking at her eyes. "it was supposed to be enough just hearing me out. i don't actually want help. i felt a lot better today after telling you about it, but now that you told someone else whom i'm not even very close to everything i've been going through these past few months, how do you expect me to feel, jennie?"

at that, the younger fell silent. 

"i just wanted to help," she said softly, her voice cracking.

jisoo clenched her fists, her nails biting into her palms in an effort to keep herself from crying. "i don't want everyone knowing how messed up i am."

"you're not messed up," jennie interjected. she seemed almost frustrated, and jisoo didn't want to understand why. she didn't want to understand that she was the one making everything difficult. "i just wanted the best for you, so i called someone we could both trust, since i'm not really good at these things!" 

hearing that come out of jennie's mouth made jisoo feel both touched and absolutely worthless at the same time, because this was supposed to be her own problem, that she was supposed to resolve on her own and not drag others in so selfishly. it was never supposed to turn out like this. jennie was just supposed to understand how jisoo was feeling and ignore it. she wasn't supposed to look at jisoo like she was going to shatter at the slightest touch. she wasn't supposed to go the extra mile to be - nice to her.

a crash of regret, sadness and helplessness flooded into jisoo and made her feel suffocated. her throat tightened and she choked on a sob. "i never should have told you," she hissed, brushing past her to the bathroom.

"jisoo, please."

something in jennie's voice made jisoo falter. she gritted her teeth and turned around.

"do you at least understand why i'm angry?" 

jennie stared at her with a searching expression. jisoo was falling apart beneath her gaze, though she tried not to show it.

"i know it's something you've kept to yourself for a long time, but you need professional help, unnie," jennie said slowly, reaching out to slip her hand into hers. jisoo hated that she liked the feeling.

"and you listening to me did help," jisoo said, exasperated. "but you weren't supposed to take the initiative to fix something that isn't even your problem in the first place."

for a moment, jisoo wished she didn't have a lifestyle that required her to live with three other women 24/7, because she'd been getting so good at hiding parts of herself - the ugly, messed up, fragile parts. it had only been her weakness, but she just had to go and tell jennie all this, and now look what happened. revealing those parts let sheer relief flood over jisoo at first, then regret at not having just kept her big mouth shut all this time. 

she didn't want to come out of the walls she had built around herself. telling jennie was like making a hole in a dam, and jennie's presence was the flood that was gradually devastating the barrier.

her telling jiyong felt distinctly like a betrayal.

before jennie could reply anything more, there was a knock on the door.

jiyong.

jisoo felt like laughing and crying at the same time. she felt so worthless, like she was an artefact at the museum for people to gawk at. she knew jennie was being genuine about wanting to help, and that jiyong was sincerely going to try and understand where she was coming from, but what for? her insecurities that everyone harboured in this cruel kpop industry? it was fucking laughable. 

jennie cast her a last, apologetic glance, and if jisoo wasn't bawling right now she would have given her a harsh slap in the face. it was so hard to hate jennie, but at that moment, she wanted nothing more than for the girl to disappear from her sight. jisoo went to their bed and sat on it, arms wrapped around herself, refusing to meet jiyong's gaze. he was definitely going to lecture her, and she was definitely going to cry.

instead, she heard, "jennie? mind leaving the room?"

jisoo's breath hitched.

"huh? why?"

jiyong sounded...angry? she couldn't tell if it was her own ears tricking her, but there was an undertone of frustration in his voice. "just go wait outside in the lobby, or something. i'll have to talk to you later, too."

jennie listened, because she wasn't an idiot. jiyong sounded positively pissed off.

jisoo warily looked up at him. 

he rolled his eyes. "don't look so tense, jisoo-ah. i'm not going to yell at you."

he carefully sat beside her. "so, you're pissed at her, aren't you?"

jisoo nodded slowly. "really pissed."

"well, so am i. she definitely overstepped her boundaries by telling me what you were going through, presumably without even telling you. don't worry, i'll scold her later, but right now, i just want to make things as easy for you as possible."

she blinked wordlessly at him.

"i want you to know that you're not alone in this. so many other idols in this stupid kpop industry feel the same way - all those anonymous comments on the internet, all those judgemental interviewers, fansites, everywhere - it would make anyone feel absolutely drained. your insecurities don't make you an anomaly. i know it must have been so painfully lonely for you all these months, living inside your own head and pretending everything was fine on the outside. it's difficult to separate your self-worth from your marketable traits, that i strongly agree with.

"everything works against us, you know. it's an awful way to live, but you have to understand that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. when i had all those scandals, i honestly felt like quitting being an idol all together, though i never told anyone, not even my bigbang members. but, after some time, i got over it and realised if i wanted to continue being in this band, i would have to understand and accept that i was going to be scrutinised and judged by netizens all over the world, and that i would rather be with my members, albeit not having a very ideal life, than quit and be content living with my family.

i don't want you to have to make that choice, jisoo. i don't want you to have to even consider being happy over being a part of blackpink and the yg family. it's just - i'd hate that. i'd hate that so much."

the words were blunt and well-meaning, but it made her chest hurt because she had been toeing the line between love for her lifestyle and hatred for herself for months now. jisoo hated having to consider leaving blackpink, too. it was all she ever knew - training and debuting in a group with three other amazing people. 

jiyong continued, "the issue is, though, now that i know about your worries, i share the same stand jennie does." 

jisoo tilted her head up to meet his eyes. "what do you mean?"

"there are ways to deal with whatever you're going through, you know? i'd hate to just stand by and watch you hurt being unable to do anything about it."

of course she knew, jisoo wasn't an idiot. she'd spent sleepless nights browsing articles about how seeing a therapist helped people through their depression and anxiety. she just...wasn't ready to admit that she had a problem she was too weak to deal with on her own. she didn't think any less of people who sought help from a therapist, but when it came to herself, it was different. she loathed the idea of seeking professional help. it made it seem like her insecurities were bigger than herself, and that was just utterly embarrassing.

jisoo leaned away from jiyong. "no, i...i can't."

he frowned. "what do you mean, you can't?"

she gulped. "it's too much to admit that i'm not okay. i swear i'm able to deal with this by myself. i don't need a therapist."

jiyong sighed. "jisoo-ah, it’s important to know that therapy isn’t some sort of admission of failure. therapy is a good thing, even if there’s ‘nothing wrong with you’, like you said. people who have no issues, who just want some help navigating through hardship, or even just day-to-day things shouldn’t be afraid of therapy. it’s not a death sentence. it isn’t permanent. it isn’t going to suddenly mean that you’re beyond saving. it isn’t a cure, it isn’t an answer, but it’s a way that will introduce you to certain coping mechanisms and ideas that you might not have been able to come across on your own.”

it wasn't a death sentence, he said.

it sure felt like one.

"listen, i'm not going to force you into anything, but...i just want you to try."

jisoo couldn't. she just couldn't. she didn't want to do this to herself. she just wanted to stop feeling.

jiyong's eyes were so bright and hopeful. she couldn't bring herself to look at him. 

she looked down at her hands and curled them into fists. "i'm sorry. i can't."

she didn't have the heart to watch jiyong's face fall.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta-ed oops

this morning, jisoo had thought it was one of the best days of her life.

she learnt not to jump to conclusions so quickly.

that night, she took a pair of scissors (she didn't dare touch the sharp razor blades) and slashed the blunt blades into her thighs. the red oozing out made her feel accomplished. made her feel like she finally paid the price for being such a bother to everyone around her.

her tears mixed with the red. the burning water coming from the showerhead above her made her body hurt even more, but she loved it. 

she hated how twisted she was. she wanted to go back to the times when the least of her worries was whether people at school would make fun of her new haircut. she loathed being an idol. she'd do anything to escape this industry. anything.

she didn't know how long she stayed in the bathroom. all she knew was that she finally stopped when someone came knocking on the door.

"jisoo-unnie? you've been in there since we came back, are you okay?"

chaeyoung.

jisoo smiled humorlessly, unable to tear her gaze away from the long gashes on her thighs. "i'm fine, i just lost track of time. sorry."

"hurry, i need to pee," she whined. 

jisoo got up and looked at herself in the mirror. pathetic.

she was so pathetic. 

she quickly wiped away the blood with a towel and hid it under her armpit so that no red was visible from the outside. she pulled on her jeans and winced when the cotton material clung to her sliced skin, every step she took feeling like absolute hell. she smiled weakly at chaeyoung when she opened the door. "sorry."

the younger didn't even spare a second glance and rushed into the bathroom behind her. jisoo let out a soft sigh of relief.

she wanted to leave, but there was no way she could. it wasn't about the fact that she'd be even more hated by fans if she left, or be ostracised by the rest of the company, but the fact that she loved her members so, so much. she loved jennie, chaeyoung and lisa. she loved them so much it hurt.

she loved jennie so much it hurt. 

jennie, jennie, jennie.

she couldn't leave her if she tried.

jisoo dragged herself to the bedroom and fell onto the bed, feeling the life seep out of her with every second.

she didn't want to be like this.

jisoo finally snapped out of her thoughts when the door creaked open and lisa whispered, "jisoo-unnie?"

she craned her head back and saw lisa hesitantly standing outside. jisoo pursed her lips. "what's up?" she croaked, making sure none of her cut skin was visible.

"can we talk? i mean, if you're too tired it's fine, we can always talk another day - "

"no, no, it's okay, i wasn't that tired, anyway. we can talk."

lisa's eyes brightened and she sat on jisoo's bed, though there wasn't a smile on her face. "so, um, you've been really distant from us lately, and i'm really worried and scared that you hate us or something, or something else is bothering you that you won't tell us and i just want the best for you, unnie, and - "

jisoo cut off the younger's rambling, weakly reaching out to pat her head. "lisa, i promise i'm fine, you don't have to worry about me."

"no, you're not," she retorted, grabbing onto her hands. "you've been so tired and quiet, and we're all so worried for you. please, i'm begging you, tell me what's bothering you. i promise i'll listen and help the best i can."

when jisoo remained silent, lisa pleaded again, "please, unnie?"

she sighed. "okay. okay, i'll tell you. but you have to promise not to tell anyone else because it's - it's... embarrassing, i guess."

lisa nodded, squeezing her hands. "i promise."

she took in a deep breath.

and everything came out.

her eating disorder, her disgusting late night thoughts, her harmful coping mechanisms, how she felt she was completely and utterly worthless - everything. and she hated that it took close to nothing for her to spill every single detail. she didn't dare steal a glance at lisa's face, the younger was definitely horrified now. 

when she finally stopped, a sick feeling rose up her stomach and before she knew it, tears started pouring down her cheeks and she told her more. she told her about jennie, about how she hopelessly loved her, loved her more than herself, loved her so much she spent sleepless nights crying about her unrequited love, loved her so much she'd die for her even though she wouldn't do the same. she told her about how she told jiyong about her problems, and how she loved her too much to be mad at her. 

she loved jennie so much it hurt, and it was getting so toxic at this point because the only reason she was still standing was because of that stupid, lovely girl.

it took a few minutes for jisoo to get up from sobbing into lisa's shoulder and wipe her tears. she didn't say anything the whole time (jisoo suspected she hated her even more now). lisa looked at her with so much sadness that she felt like breaking down again.

"unnie, i really think you should seek professional help. you have to help yourself, you can't keep staying like this forever. it hurts me to see you like this, so please." 

lisa clutched tightly onto her shoulders. 

"i know you love jennie, unnie, but she isn't everything you have. your happiness doesn't depend on her. you have so much to live for, you have so much ahead of you. think about the days where you get to travel around the world, where you get to see the clear night sky, where you get to go back to your family during the holidays and spend time with them again. that's what you can live for. jennie isn't everything."

lisa paused and bit her lip. "and, once everything gets better, you can sort your feelings out and tell her how you feel. trust me, things will get better. as long as you decide to seek help."

she didn't know how long she stayed silent for. 

"i - i'll try."

"promise."

jisoo squared her shoulders and nodded. "i promise i'll try."

"for you. don't do it for anyone except yourself."

she said shakily, "okay. i promise i'll do it for myself.",

lisa finally cracked a smile and wrapped her in a tight hug. jisoo had forgotten how nice it was to be hugged.

"i love you, unnie. you're a really amazing person even if you don't believe it yourself."

jisoo smiled weakly and hugged her back.

"i love you, too."


End file.
